Ignore the end. Some guy apparently thought it would be hilarious. It kind of is.

John Mahoney is really great in his little flashback clip in this scene.

Now that Mark Day is finally eliminated we can get down to serious business. Mark clearly has a career ahead of him as a younger, more Newfoundlandish, Louie Anderson. He could totally host Family Feud. But he was never going to win this competition. So let’s look at who’s left, in alphabetical order:

Mitch Macdonald – Port Hood, NS: Part of the crushing “tall jocky white guy crew” that makes up way too much of the top 10 this season. His cover of “Jealous Guy” was legitimately good, but maybe only because it reminded everyone of the John Lennon song so much and they were like “Man, John Lennon had some great songs.” Odds of winning: 5-1 Why: Not exactly a stand-out look.

Mookie Morris – Toronto, ON: I saw my first real, live “Vote Mookie” lawn sign the other day. In Cabbagetown. It was weird. Mooke is not his real name and he is incredibly young and seemingly incapable of actually holding a conversation, but he manages to make himself stand out every week. Probably the favourite at the moment. Odds of winning: 2-1 Why: Lawn sign support, distinctive look, has Toronto behind him, even if Toronto is generally too cool to pay attention to reality-show singing competitions.

Earl Stevenson – Lloydminster, AB: Part of the same “Tall jocky white guy crew.” Note that I saw ‘jocky’ to mean that they are not unlike athletic people in high school. I do not know mean that they are all short and race horses. I think most of Earl’s song choices are boring as hell (“Change the World”? Lame!) so he will hopefully be eliminated next. Odds of winning: 8-1 Why: Dull. And from Alberta.

Theo Tams – Lethbridge, AB: Sang a fucking Joss Stone song. He has no chance at all. And what a stupid name. Theodore Tams? What are you, a goddamned Marvel comics supervillain? You’d be like the Tinkerer or something, it’s so lame. Odds of winning: 1000-1 Why: Thinks Joss Stone covers are totally cool.

Amberly Thiessen – Seven Persons, AB: The last female in, because Canada doesn’t discriminate based on gender. Or maybe we do. I’m not really sure. Fun fact: was born, like, the year before Saved by the Bell debuted thus her name being similar to Tiffani-Amber Thiessen’s name is entirely coincidental. I like her, but she’s not quite unique enough to win. Has sort of an awkward quality on stage. Odds of winning: 3-1 Why: Being the last girl will take her far, maybe even the top two, but not far enough to win.

Drew Wright – Collingwood, ON: The last member of the “Tall jocky white guy crew.” He probably has the best prospects of the lot of them, because he does some cool songs and I thought his cover of “Creep” was great. Plus he has a good rockstar name. And the whole town of Collingwood behind him, I guess. And I can tell you from personal experience — those assholes are crazy. Odds of winning: 4-1 Why: A bit too indistinctive to make him a favourite, but could be a darkhorse contender to win.

Conclusion
Things you may have noticed from reading this: I have no real idea how to make odds for things! It may be because I am not a gambling man. The only thing I have ever gambled on is my friend Rory’s ability to eat seven Caesar Salads in one sitting. I won that one. Also, I don’t really watch Canadian Idol that closely. It’s entirely passive television, perfect for doing laundry or reading wikipedia articles. You may judge me for it, but I stand proud and defend my choices. At least I’m not watching “America’s Best Dog” or “Big Brother”. Yet.

Sample dialogue: “This is a hug, Shawn! THIS IS A HUG!”

Especially since Sean Cullen got voted off after this awesome song about farming. How could anyone not love this!

My favourite thing about this season has been their penchant for totally mismatched competitions, all of which go exactly the way you’d expect. There was a big strong guy versus a little skinny guy. The big strong guy won by a zillion points! There was a two-legged man versus a one-legged man. The one-legged man got decimated. And, tonight they had a 52-year-old woman versus a woman in her twenties. The old woman actually almost drowned in a pit of plastic balls at one point. It was so scary.

Anyway, I don’t really have anything else for you. I just thought I would write a little bit about the current season of American Gladiators because I don’t think anyone — anywhere in the world — is paying attention.

Me, I’m mostly just watching to see when they’ll bring back the Atlasphere. Those giant steel hamster balls are awesome.

The Show

Tila Tequila is a bisexual midget who forgoes traditional courtship in favour of whoring it up with lots of people and then systematically eliminating the ones who aren’t good enough at arbitrary challenges. It’s all done in the name of love.

The Hook

It’s like The Bachelor except whorier and with more violence and nudity. In short, it’s the perfect show.

Where we are now

15 women and 15 men started us off. We’re now down to 3 contestants, making this the second last episode. In the last episode, Jay from Jersey was eliminated after an episode-long ‘challenge’ that involved Tila visiting each contestant’s family. Jay was eliminated because Tila was able to get his mother and stepmother to flash their breasts. Tila enjoyed it at the time but then later felt it was kind of icky.

The Contestants

Bo — A high school football coach from Ohio. Bo is very tall and had a soul patch but Tila made him shave it off in the first episode. Then he got into a fight with party guy Chad (and his boy sidekick from Jersey), which resulted in him getting headbutted and then punched. The fight caused damage to his jaw that endures today as he had some kind of steel plate inserted after the incident.

Kristy — A ‘model’ from New York. Kristy is blonde and has bigger breasts than the other female contestants. She aspired to be in Playboy, a goal she met several years ago. Her new goal is to turn convincingly bisexual and win A Shot at Love 2 with Tila Tequila.

Brittany — A sports bar waitress from California. Brittany is, according to her bio, a ‘gold star’ lesbian. Which I think means she is so good at being a lesbian that she regularly receives accolades in the form of stickers. Brittany is the most normal of the last three contestants, which really doesn’t mean anything in this instance. It’s all relative.

The Liveblog

10:04 p.m. — Tila’s taken the last three contestants to a tropical locale in Cancun, Mexico — the classiest of reality show destinations. She invites them all to go jet skiing, as it is one of her favourite activities. Other hobbies: none noted.

10:06 p.m. — Tila won’t let Bo go jetskiing because he has a plate in his jaw. Bo is really upset about this decision and sulks around the beach muttering about this being ‘BULLSHIT’ while the girls jet ski.

10:10 p.m. — Back from commercial, we’re at our first challenge. All the remaining contestants will get a chance to spend a night on a ‘date’ with Tila. This challenge is for the right to pick the order the contestants will take their dates in.

The challenge involves — seriously — swimming across a pool, picking up a condom, and then pumping up the condom with a bicycle pump using only your butt. Bo can’t do it very well at all. Kristy kind of takes it like a porn star, shockingly. Brittany wins.

Brittany opts to go second, for some reason that isn’t explained. Kristy will go last. Which means Bo gets first dibs.

10:13 p.m. — Tila and Bo go on their date. Tila is mad at Bo because he sulked while the girls jet skiied. Bo tries to explain but Tila just looks kind of bored and then cuts him off by kissing him. They make out while Tila voice-overs that “she really enjoyed [her and Bo's] dinner together.” There is no sign of any food anywhere.

10:15 p.m. — Tila tells Bo she forgives him for being mad about the jet skiing. It takes a really big person to forgive a bad jet ski incident. She asks Bo to come up to her room and they cuddle, make out, then ostensibly have sex. Bo loves Tila. Tila loves Bo.

10:16 p.m. — While this is going on, Brittany and Kristy are hanging out in a hotel room talking about how annoyed they are about the fact that Bo is on a date with Tila. I’d be pretty mad too if my reality show prize was hanging out with other contestants.

Brittany and Kristy show their anger by talking about Bo negatively while making fart noises. Bo farts a lot, apparently. Then they decide to go skinny dipping in the ocean. Brittany looks right into the camera all sneaky-like, whispering “there’s no one here!” and then they both tear their bikini tops off and go running into the ocean.

10:17 p.m. — Bo and Tila are still making out and having sex. Brittany and Kristy are topless in the ocean, wrestling playfully with one another. “Show me your boobs!”, Kristy yells at Brittany.

10:22 p.m. — Back from commercial, Bo and Tila walk into the shared breakfast area in the morning. The subtext: he had sex with her all night. Kristy and Brittany, having bonded over their mutual naked swimming expedition, sigh a lot and talk about how annoyed they are with Bo.

Tila makes some veiled reference to today’s activities, which involves “going down”. Sexily.

10:24 p.m. — They all go out on the ocean, then learn that their “going down” activity actually involves a trip in a submarine. A sexy submarine? I guess. A little. The whole trip lasts about 10 seconds. Tila’s favourite part was when she found a “school of fish”.

10:26 p.m. — Everyone gets all serious on the boat as the girls — mostly Kristy — confront Tila about the fact that she slept with Bo last night and that makes her feel mistrustful.

10:30 p.m. — Brittany and Tila go on their date. They actually drink wine and eat some kind of soup, which at least makes it more of a ‘date’ date. Brittany tells Tila that she never wanted to ‘date around and see lots of people’. Tila makes her feel bad about this. Seriously, though, how could you realistically expect to find love if you don’t make out with every person you’re ever in proximity to ever? You could be missing out and not even know it.

10:31 p.m. — Brittany and Tila start making out. Then they put on bikinis and get into a bathtub. They make out some more and probably have sex as Brittany voice-overs than her date went “smoothly.” Tila says she he is in love with Brittany. Two for two.

10:33 p.m. — Another awkward breakfast scene, as Brittany and Tila reappear after their night of passion. Today’s activities, after ‘pumping it’ and ‘going down’, involving ’seeing who can ride’. Sexily.

10:39 p.m. — The mystery activity is ‘riding horses on the beach’. Sexily. Sappy music plays as they all ride. Bo is really excited because he actually gets to participate, and thus we avoid a repeat of the jet ski incident.

10:40 p.m. — Kristy sucks at horseback riding! How will this affect her chances of winning the right to pursue a lesbian relationship with Tila Tequila?! It gets so bad that she actually dismounts her horse and stares pensively at the horizon.

10:41 p.m. — Kristy is going on her date with Tila. They actually appear to eat and drink giant glasses of red wine. Kristy is concerned about her performance on the horses. Tila is concerned about dating someone from New York while she lives in L.A. Kristy makes some platitudes about “visiting a lot” and “missing her”. Tila looks happy and they make out in a hammock.

10:44 p.m — Tila voice-overs that she is concerned that Kristy might not be “ready for everything she [Tila] has to offer.” But then Kristy says she loves her and they make out. They move to a bed where they presumably have sex. Tila says she loves Kristy. Three for three.

10:46 p.m. — Awkward breakfast scene number three. Bo decides to make this scene all about him, as he tells Tila that he “always thinks about her.” Tila calls him “boo bear” and smiles while also saying, in a voice-over, that she’s concerned that Bo might not actually “love her.” She is the most complicated shallow woman in existence.

10:47 p.m. — Up next: eliminations!

10:51 p.m. — Tila thinks for a long time about who she is going to eliminate. She needs to decide who she can be with “long term.” Elimination is done by giving out keys. There are only two keys, and three contestants. It’s like roses, except, you know, a complete rip off.

10:53 p.m. — Tila calls Bo first, because of what he said at breakfast after her date at Kristy. Bo says “I am falling in love with YOU, Tila Tequila.” Which is something that sounds way more ridiculous when heard out loud.

10:54 p.m. — So it’s either Brittany or Kristy. Who would have thought this would come down to guy versus girl? Both contestants would be devastated if they were to get eliminated tonight. Tila tells Kristy that she likes her patience. Tila tells Brittany that she likes how much fun they have together.

10:55 p.m. — Tila gives her key to Kristy, which makes me madder than it realistically should. Brittany just had so much more depth.

10:56 p.m. — Brittany looks sad and cries. Bo gives her a hug. Kristy gives her a hug. Tila gives her a big hug and tells her it’s “not personal.” Which is so mindbendingly warped that I do not know where to begin.

10:58 p.m. — Tears, tears, tears and we’re out. Brittany voice-overs in an exit interview that she doesn’t understand why she’s not in the same spot as Kristy or Bo. “My shot a love is done!” she wails.

10:59 p.m. — The end! Next week: Kristy versus Bo. My bet? Kristy. Because she picked a dude last time and Tila’s had a lot of criticism over her alleged bisexuality.

Just look at how good these parts are! (Spoilers if you’ve never seen the show before, I guess.)

This show can be so smug, pretentious and idealistic, which is infuriating sometimes — but it’s all the more infuriating because sometimes it just works so well. I love this part especially: “It should be hard. I like that it’s hard. Putting your daughter through college — that’s a man’s job. A man’s accomplishment.” Just tremendous.