Erin and I watched two movies this weekend. Burn After Reading was a nice reminder that, even after the Coen Bros win an Oscar and direct a movie that connects with audiences, they’re still incredibly dark filmmakers with little-to-no inclination towards crowd-pleasing. Burn was pretty typical, and likely would have gone over better if it hadn’t come on the heels of No Country and had a red-band trailer that pretty much contained all of the straightforward “funny”. The rest is just bureaucracy and people getting murdered.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno was probably better than Kevin Smith’s last two movies, but nowhere near a triumph or anything. The first twenty minutes are actually pretty solid — right up to the high school reunion scene — but then it descends into dullness as soon as the titular porno comes into play. Plots always seem to ruin Kevin Smith movies.

Also, and this is standard with Smith flicks, but the Mary Sue self-insertion in the script was ridiculously over-the-top. Overweight bearded slacker dude wins over attractive woman with his magic penis? Come on.

I’m in full-on winter hibernation mode these days, as nothing about going out on weekends really appeals to me at the moment. It’s cold and it gets dark before five o’clock. That’s bullshit and I won’t even tacitly support it. My protest will be in the form of staying at home and watching movies.

I started playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on my new iMac. I played through the original and Vice City, but never got around to this one. It’s all right, though kind of a bit too much like The Sims with drive-by shootings. I have to go to the gym, visit my girlfriend, eat food and buy clothes? Jesus Christ. It’s hard out here for a pimp.

This week: a hopefully quieter week at work. Oh, and we’ll probably have a new Prime Minister tomorrow. How cool is THAT? The rest of the world will be so confused as we’ll magically have a new leader without so much as an election. Parliamentary democracy is the best.

More later!

• Week One
• Week Two
• Week Three

Introduction

I’m late with the column this week because I’ve been feeling really guilty. When I bought this game over a month ago, I made a silent promise to myself that I would never miss more than one day. I wanted to give this game/application/whatever a fair shake, and really didn’t want my legendary laziness to stand in the way of that.

For the first three weeks, I was golden. I only missed one day. But then, starting this past Friday, due to my all-day iPhone-line affair, I missed a day. And, missing one day, it became easy to miss the next day, and then the day after that, and on and on.

In all, I missed four days. I am not proud of myself.

Today (Tuesday) was my first day getting back into it. I did 40 minutes on my lunch hour (working from home — I don’t have a Wii at the office or anything) which were way more painful than they had any right to be.

Clicking through for the weigh-in, I was pretty nervous. I was sure missing all those days would hurt me.

The Routine

I’ve started to think more about the exercises I’m doing. (Or, at least, I was, before my unfortunate detour). I tend to alternate between two routines now, just to keep things ‘fresh’. I do:

Day One: Advanced Step, Ski Slalom, Leg Twist, Half Moon Pose, Ski Jump, Warrior Pose, 100 Jackknife Challenge

Day Two: Advanced Step, Ski Slalom, Leg Twist, Half Moon Pose, Hula Hoop, Ski Jump, Six-minute Boxing, Plank Exercise (60-seconds if I can: this is brutal), 10-minute Free Run (If I’m feeling exhausted, I’ll switch this with the 10-minute Free Step)

The 100 Jackknife Challenge game is pretty much 100 sit-ups, modified so that you have to lift your legs up in the air as well. At first, the trainer had me do 10. The next day, 20. Then it went to 30, 40 and 50. Finally, it all of the sudden jumped to 100. The first time nearly killed me and also made me feel depressed. It’s easier now, as are most of the exercises, which is a nice sign of progress.

Speaking of which…

The Progress

To my surprise, the 4-day sabbatical from exercising didn’t hurt my progress at all. Now, it didn’t HELP, which is still pretty bad, but it didn’t hurt either. On the day before I stopped, I hit the 186.2 lbs mark. Coming back to it today, my weight was at 186.2 lbs. Nothing lost, and nothing gained.

The fact that I managed to stay there is good. It means my total weight loss due to Wii Fit is now a sustained 5 lbs. Not a great achievement for a month, I suppose, but it’s a solid start. Wii Fit now has me so close to the line between “Normal” and “Overweight” on its BMI scale that I am really driven to drop these last three pounds or so.

It’d be awesome to be “Normal.”

The Progress in the Form of a Table

• Week One
• Week Two

Introduction

I have less to write about Wii Fit this week. I’ve completely unlocked everything there is to unlock in the game, and have become so accustomed to getting on the Balance Board every day that it’s become entirely routine. While I miss the surprise and greater sense of fun the game offered when I was first starting out, I’m still enjoying myself. The games are fun. I continue to get better at them. My line graph is still trending down, albeit a little too slowly for my tastes. And, on Tuesday, I passed 10 hours of game time and so the in-game piggie bank, that tracks my progress for me, changed colours.

No sign of slowing down yet.

The Routine

I only changed things up a little this week. I try to do about 40-50 minutes of game time each day, still generally following the same routine I laid out last week. This week, though, I did add the “Jackknife Challenge” to my daily list of exercises. Basically, you do sit-ups with your in-game trainer. The idea is to make your in-game trainer pass out from exhaustion before you do. So far, I’ve been kicking my trainer’s girly ass.

I still cap things off with either the 10-minute run or the 10-minute step exercise. Or, if I’m feeling particularly Herculean, both.

The Progress

After last week’s weird fluctuations, I settled into a nice, gradual downward trend this week. While progress has been slow, I’m feeling pretty confident that I am experiencing real, sustained weight loss. At last week’s report, I was at 188.7 lbs. As of tonight’s weigh-in, I’m at 187.2 lbs.

A net loss of 1.5 lbs may not seem like a whole lot, but it’s definitely a start. And added together with my weight loss the past two weeks, so far Wii Fit has lost me 4.4 lbs. Not too shabby.

I’m not quite sure I’ll be able to make my goal. I have about two more weeks to lose 3.6 lbs. Here’s to hoping I can pull it off.

The Progress in the Form of a Table

Three weeks in:

I summon some enthusiasm

Two weeks into this experiment, I’ve only missed one day of activity. And that was a day wherein I was up at 5:45 a.m. and had to wear a suit, so I feel like it was justified. After my 14th day of Wii Fit Testing, I was awarding a new special stamp to use to mark my progress on the calendar. I’m not sure what kind of stamp it is because I have not looked. I think I’ll just stick with the default foot-shaped stamp. Makes me feel like I’m in the FOOT clan.

They were robots in the cartoon but teenage boys in the movies. That always bothered me.

While I don’t really think I’ve made any real visible progress — my weight still jumps around enough that a lot of it is probably statistical noise — I feel like something is happening as a result of my doing at least 30 minutes of this game every day. When I first stated, I used to exhaust myself in 10 minutes. I’d be sucking wind after the damned Step exercise. And the Boxing game made me want to die.

Earlier this week, though, I started finding everything much easier. I sail through Advanced Step and the Six-minute Boxing minigame like nothing, and while the Hula Hoop still tends to destroy me, I think that’s more because of my enduring spinal problems and also because I am not a young girl in the 1950s.

It’s a bit frustrating, but I’m keeping optimistic. I feel better, and I suppose that’s more important than dropping weight quickly. Or, at least, it would be, if I wasn’t so vain.

The Game

I put my nerd hat on

This is an exceptionally well-made game. It’s packed with little details that keep it interesting. The other day my trainer (the girl, because she’s FOXY) greeted me by clasping her head and telling me that she stayed out too late last night. And, once, she didn’t even show up. I had to work out with that doofus guy because, apparently, my chosen trainer is a boozy tart who can’t keep herself in line.

It’s the little things.

Erin plays a bit, too, but isn’t as dedicated as I am. She hasn’t checked in and done a Body Test in so long now that the game keeps asking me about her. “Have you seen Erin around?” “Tell Erin that she needs to do her Body Test!”

I guess it’d be kind of awful if you had a death in the family or something. But generally it’s a neat feature.

The Goal

Holding Onto Hope

I set my goal based on my desire to have the game stop referring to me as ‘overweight’ and start referring to me as ‘normal’. I am so damn close to the line it’s almost insulting. The game’s been kind of taunting me lately, asking me if I want to “adjust my goal” but I remain resolute. I am going to make sure these electronic characters stop calling me fat.

The Routine

Lunges are my ace in the hole

I’ve really solidified my routine in the past week. I now do, in order:

• Advanced Step — a good warm-up, plus I tend to get better every day. I may even be developing rhythm.
• Advanced Slalom — I suck at the skiing so much, but it’s fun. My goal is to one day make it down the hill without missing most of the gates.
• Strength: Single Leg Twist (20 reps per leg) — Another good warm-up. Apparently my goal is to have legs like tree-trunks.
• Yoga: Half Moon Pose — Only because the game recommends I do it after the Single Leg Twist. I always forget to breathe.
• One minute Hula Hoop — Keeps me humble.
• Ski Jump — Makes up for the Hula Hoop.
• Strength: Lunges (20 reps per leg) — These tend to destroy me, because the trainer apparently has rubber knees and can bend them to ridiculous angles. I always make it to 20, but there’s usually a point early-on where I almost convince myself to quit.
• Yoga: Warrior — Again, because it’s paired. And badass.
• Six-minute Boxing — My favourite activity. I consistently get three stars these days, and I think I can get four stars with a few more days of practice.
• 10 minute run — I do this while watching TV, as the game instructs you to do. It really makes the time fly by. The other day I watched an episode of Tyra Banks and was absolutely enthralled
• 10 minute Step — My cool down. Again, watching TV. I set it the fastest pace and turn Picture-in-picture on so I can easily keep pace. It works well.

All told, this now equals about 45-50 minutes, which is apparently what I need to do now to feel like I was challenged. It’s difficult to always find that amount of time every day, so there’s the odd day where I do an abbreviated version, but I try to always hit 30 minutes at the very least.

The Progress

Or The Yo-Yo

I’ve been up and down a lot this week. Early in the week, on Tuesday, I was actually down to 187, putting my loss in the five-pound zone. But then disaster struck. After yesterday’s wine-drinking extravaganza, which was topped with a steak dinner, I was up to a ridiculous 190.6 pounds. Which I guess shows what a lot of red meat and alcohol can do to a guy. But my last weigh-in this morning put me at a much-nicer 188.7 lbs., which puts me about 5 pounds away from my goal.

Now that I’ve cranked up the time I’ve spent doing the minigames, I’m interested to see if my progress accelerates any.

Also noteworthy: I achieved a Wii Fitness Age of 21 this week. But that was apparently an anomaly based on me being really goddamned great at standing on one foot.

Progress in the Form of a Table

It’s a table!
Two weeks in:

Wherein I justify my laziness on philosophic grounds
I’ve always thought of myself as having a pretty damn good metabolism. I’m a picky eater — some would say ridiculously picky — and my physical activity level falls somewhere between a roofied snail and a cord of firewood. That I never got to be even a little bit overweight in my teenage years is a testament to my ridiculously good luck and also, perhaps, the existence of a god and/or gods.

Things have been changing in the past couple of years, though. Part of it might be a slowing metabolism — the one older people always warn you about — and part of it might be the largely sedentary lifestyle you end up living with a desk job and a commute. It’s a hell of a thing when you live a life that leaves you exhausted despite doing very little physical activity.

I’ve felt like I should try and do something about this for a while. But I’ve had troubles getting started. Not necessarily due to any pretenses about a lack of willpower or a love of fatty food. I don’t think I’m particularly weak-willed (lazy, maybe, a little bit) and food is one of those things that’s more an obligation than an extravagance. There were hurdles there, but nothing that couldn’t be overcome.

My biggest issue was that I didn’t want to become that guy. I have a sort of overstated cavalier attitude when it comes to life and living and not being a goddamned martyr to the cause of being able to lift a lot of weight or make your pecs dance. I don’t want to worry about eating chicken wings on the weekend or spend hundreds of dollars on a gym membership. I understand doing that. I know people who do it — they’re that guy — but it’s just not really for me.

Plus, hell, pop quiz: how many funny, creative, smart people do you know who are in absurdly good shape? If you can think of any outside of maybe Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, you’re more in tune with the world than I.

The Point

Wherein I bring things back from a rather odd digression involving Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Anyway, point is, I really just don’t want to be fat. I don’t really care about being in great shape, particularly. I mean, I don’t want to die because of neglect. But I also don’t really want to ever bench press anything that’s not inflatable. There’s a happy medium there that I’m really comfortable living in.

I just need to make sure I stay there. That’s been my challenge lately, as my metabolism slows and I spend my days sitting around discussing the relationship between the web and experiential education in Ontario. I felt myself slowly slipping away from the comfort zone of weight, warning signs of being, maybe, in time “FAT” started to crop up, and so I needed an answer.

The Game

Wherein I finally talk about the reason behind this post
And, so: Wii Fit. There’s something about this game that appeals to me precisely because it’s such an absurdist way to approach weight loss. It’s a video game. The very thing that has undoubtedly contributed greatly to obesity over the last two decades. And I’m going to use one to lose weight. It’s like trying to fix a leak with a firehose. Or solve a math problem with a soliloquy. Or achieve peace with a gun.

It just doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Which is why I wanted to try it, I guess. I figured why not see if it’s possible to see real, traceable weight loss through doing a workout regime composed purely of Wii Fit for a long period of time.

The Goal

Wherein I shamefully talk real numbers
Wii Fit is hosted by a little character representing its own accessory, the Wii Balance Board. This dude is a bit of a jerk, honestly, really taking you to task for everything you don’t do at the level he thinks appropriate for your age, height, or weight. He makes you set a goal for weight loss, so you have something to work toward while playing the games included in the Wii Fit package.

First, the game told me my weight was an incredibly unfortunate 191.6 lbs. This worried the crap out of me. I set, as my first goal, a target weight of 183.6 lbs, to be achieved in a month’s time. My goal is to lose 8 pounds in a month playing this game.

The Regime

Wherein I probably make no sense if you’ve never played this game
It’s taken me a while to ease into a routine that actually makes me feel like I accomplished something. The past couple of days I’ve done something like this:

1. Advanced Step — I am really pretty good at this. I refuse to clap along when it says, though. I have my dignity.
2. Random Strength Exercise — I haven’t found one I like a lot yet, so I just sort of rotate. I try to pick the ones that let me stand up and do them, though.
3. Random Yoga Exercise — I like the “Warrior” pose because it makes me feel tough. One thing you may be surprised to learn about me: I am actually really good at Yoga. Who knew?
4. Hula Hoop — This, on the other hand, I am terrible at. When I was younger I had a Skip-It and a Pogo Ball. Hula Hoops are before my time.
5. Ski Jump — Not much of a work out, but Erin and I have been having fine trying to beat each other’s records.
6. Island Run — The running in the game is actually more fun than it sounds — because ‘run in place in your living room’ sounds kind of dull, doesn’t it? — mostly due to the cool scenery and the challenge of trying to keep a steady pace.

I recently unlocked boxing which is a total killer in terms of getting me moving, so that will probably become a mainstay too. The trainer guy is a total dick, though.

The Progress

Wherein I am cautiously optimistic
I just had my seventh ‘Body Test’. My Fitness Age gets better every day. (I now have the balance and posture of a 30 year old!) My weight has been fluctuating all over the place, but it’s still a downward trend, I think. Yesterday I was down to 188.1 lbs, which made me feel awesome. Today I’m back up to 190.3 lbs, which kind of sucks. But I also became the International My House Champion in the Ski Jump today, so there’s some karmic balance in the work here.

Progress in the Form of a Table

Wherein I outline my progress for the week in the form of a table

Next week: More progress reports!

I’m not really sure why I’m so eager to get this game. I don’t have a solid history when it comes to committing to anything involving physical activity. One of the downsides to being kind of a creative person is that I am really good at talking myself out of doing things. I come up with bizarre rationales for laying around and doing nothing. Like that time in university when I convinced myself it was only right to skip classes when celebrities died.

But I feel like I’m turning a corner with Wii Fit. I’m committed to something now: something real. Or at least something virtually real. Finally I will be able to experience the thrill of hula hooping without all that cumbersome equipment and monetary investment. Finally I will be able to simulate running outside by jogging-in-place inside. Finally I will be able to do yoga without embarrassing myself in a room full of slim women in spandex.

Finally I will be Fit.

It has, up until now, been rather difficult to get Sim City 2000 running on an Intel Mac. It’s relatively easy with a PPC Mac, provided you have the Classic environment installed. (Download the PPC version here.) But my guide seeks to bring the same simplicity to running Sim City 2000 on an Intel Mac as exists on the older Mac side.

Here it is. It’s presented in steps. Each one follows the other!

Setting up Sim City 2000 on your Intel Mac computer
1. Download the DOS version of Sim City 2000 from this link. This is the original version of the game. I got it from some abandonware site, but I’m not sure on its status as “abandonware” legally, really, so here’s the thing — if anyone asks where you got this from, you better not say it was ME. Because it wasn’t. I’ve never seen you before in my life.

2. Don’t touch any of those files you just downloaded. It should have automatically unzipped itself to a folder called “simCity2000″ — leave those files where they are. Seriously. If you touch them we’re through.

3. Download a new Mac program called “Boxer” from this website. Boxer is an awesome application that really simplifies the process of getting old DOS games running on your Intel Mac. You may also want to give the developer some money while you’re there. But the program itself is free.

4. Install Boxer. This is pretty simple and if you manage to screw it up or get confused then you’re dead to me. Run Boxer to set it up and make sure everything is working.

5. Find that “simcity2000″ folder I told you not to touch. You can touch it now. Find the file called “sc2000.exe” and double click on it. You’re in! Press alt+enter to go to full screen and enjoy the awesome game that is Sim City 2000.

Remember to:

• Avoid building residential tiles right next to industrial tiles.
• Build lots of police stations, fire stations, hospitals and schools.
• Avoid nuclear power because it will probably melt down and kill everyone.
• Do not cut back on transit funding — you will regret that.
• Don’t use the cheat codes and keep disasters on, you jerk — it makes the game more interesting

Optional Step!
If you want, you can rename your “simcity2000″ folder to “simcity2000.boxer” and it will behave just like any other standalone Mac app, allowing for really easy usage always.

I hope you enjoy. I know I have:

I still really love video games, though. Here are some thoughts on some recent Wii games I’ve enjoyed:

• Super Mario Galaxy — Got great reviews, but I still feel like it’s weirdly underrated. This might be the best game released in the last decade.
• Super Smash Bros Brawl — I got really excited about this, bought it, enjoyed it, but then kind of remembered that I am not as big a Smash Bros fan as most of the internet. I mean, I like it, but not enough to plan out strategies and stuff. The single player story mode in this was such a wasted opportunity, too.
• Mario Kart Wii — Awesome. Seriously awesome. I have such a weakness for Mario Kart games, to the point where I don’t think there has EVER been a bad Mario Kart game. People who bash on Mario Kart: Double Dash are just missing the whole point. But Mario Kart Wii is right up there with the best of the series. Sure, the computer is cheaper than ever with the item assault, but the variety of vehicles and awesome track design totally overshadows that.

Wow, wait, those are all Mario games. That’s a little bit weird, isn’t it? Wii Fit doesn’t have Mario in it, though. If only I could find it.